We all have our morning routines as we drag our sorry behinds out of bed to face another day of punchin’ the clock. For me it involves a quick scrub, some business casual, a cup of joe, and a 45 minute pain free commute. Once I arrive at work I normally rush to put my things down before the coffee from earlier reminds me of a much needed release. As I approach the nearest bathroom I’ll evaluate the high/low of the situation, and usually concede that I was no match for the dinner the night before.
In this particular bathroom I use, there is but one lonely stall. It’s a good stall though, as it’s handicap equipped, allowing for unimpeded concentration with minimal pucker factor.
There is one problem though. On at least half the days, I am ousted by some man of mystery wearing black pointed shoes and dress pants. As I burst through the main door, I am always saying a little prayer that the stall door will be opened, and when it’s not, it takes everything in me to not curse the guy enjoying my inner sanctuary. To make matters worse, he always let’s out an announcement of his small victory with a loud throat clearing cough that drives me even closer to the edge. It’s like saying,” Hey man, pee if you want but there is no time limit on this stall…I’ve beaten you….and even if you crap after me, all you’ll think about is that I was just here before you.”
Leave it to Urban Dictionary to already have this expression covered with the term “Can Cough” :
Coughing, clearing your throat, or making some noise while in a public bathroom stall to let people entering the bathroom know not to even try the stall door. Especially used when door lock is missing or doesn’t work.
man #1 enters bathroom and heads towards stall
can cough comes from behind stall door
man #2 uses different stall
So this led to me coming in extra early in the morning just to claim stake to my rightful thrown. When I’m perched and I hear the bathroom door open up, I rarely give the courtesy “can cough”, but take great solace in knowing that this guy’s day will suck just a little more as he sighs and departs.
A few times he has still beaten me due to traffic along my commute, but at those times I can keep my composure in knowing that his victory will be short lived. If only people knew this little battle we have kept up for so many months now.
I completely understand the fact that people often need some form of mobile transportation in their golden years, but the Hoveround craze is really starting to tick me off. My wife and I were at the store today and we saw 2 different granny’s with their little pimp rides, and truly..they were so very lovely. The first one beeped every time it moved….EVERY time. God forbid she gets up to say…2 mph and there’s no hope for escape. I just wanted to kick it on it’s side to silence the insanity. The second lady had her little frosted perm and the attitude to match. She would finish getting her item on an aisle and then drive right up to us to get by…no waiting…she was getting by then and there. She’d look at us like ,” Hey…I was a slow sack of crap at one time and now I’m liberated. So move your ass ’cause reverse ain’t happenin.” If she did happen to need to turn slightly to avoid people she would give a sarcastic “thanks” when passing. We had planned to hook her with chains to the tow hitch, but she must have had ninja training when she received her mechanical beast so we never saw her come out. Clearly as you can see from the picture, not even little doggies are safe!
On an equally funny note, an older lady at work got into a elevator with a group of coworkers. They stopped on the next floor down and a lady on a Hoveround got in. The lady from work actually made the following comment, and was drop dead serious,” I’m going to probably get me one of those.” (everyone looks at her weird since she’s standing without issue..she continues) “You know…they’re not just for handicaps… anyone can get one.” To this day she has no Idea how wrong that was. Awesome!
